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Monday, January 20, 2014

What's an introverted spanko to do?

So, for the first time in quite a while, I saw my therapist last week. We go back a long way (I met her in 1991) and she knows me better than anyone, I think. Maybe even better than John, although that's a toss-up. 

Anyway, she suggested that I need to broaden my support systems and develop some more local friends. Are there any groups I could join, perhaps a writer's group? I told her that at this stage of my life, I'm really not interested in any sort of vanilla gatherings. I need to be around people with whom I can be myself, not keeping a huge portion of my life and psyche under wraps. So of course, it seems the answer is to find more local spankos, and a local spanking group, right?

Yeah. Easier said than done.

I'm working on it, kids. Really. But when you're a natural introvert and reaching out isn't your forte, it's a lot easier to sit back, watch others, and wish things would happen, rather than making them happen.

Everything thinks that L.A. is one of the kink capitals of the country. Sure, there's lots of kink. Lots of BDSM, several dungeons. But spanking groups? Notsomuch.

Oh, there is one that calls itself a spanking group. They have parties once a month, and munches. Perfect, right? Where are those parties? At a freaking BDSM dungeon! I have checked out the group many times on FetLife, and the people who go to the parties. Sir this, Master that, subs and slaves. Some spankos go, but more and more, they seem to be the minority. And I cannot stand the venue; too many icky memories of grotesque scenes and people I saw when we used to play there. And way too much Uber-Dom attitude. Plus, even if more spanking friends went and I was inclined to give it a try, for reasons I don't care to go into here, I don't think I'd be welcome among the inner circle. So that's out.

This will sound bizarre, but I find myself wishing that we lived closer to Indiana. Why? Because Joe (DrLectr) and his lovely Ten live there, and run the Hammond House of Hedonism. They have frequent spanking parties in their home, with not only a nice tight local group, but other friends coming from all over. I read about their gatherings and yearn to be there. So easy, so comfortable -- just go, kick back, laugh, have fun. No stress. No drama. No expenses, except maybe contributing food/drink. And real spanking enthusiasts, people I adore -- not heavy BDSMers dabbling in spanking, all the while yearning to tie up and suspend the bottom, stick a ball gag in her mouth or a hook up her ass, or drip wax all over her. Not saying there's anything wrong with that; to each their own. But it's not what I'm into, and it's not what I see at Shadow Lane or any of the other spanko gatherings. And I need to keep it that way, for my own comfort zone.

Fortunately, we get to see Joe, Ten and a bunch of our other friends next month, when we attend a private gathering in Vegas. But that, and Shadow Lane, is the extent of our connection with spanking friends en masse. Twice a year doesn't cut it. It leaves me in a constant state of yearning and FOMO.

I love what I have with Steve, my wonderful top. But I miss the companionship and camaraderie sometimes. I miss the sisterhood. I miss the ease of having friends where we can drop in and play. Where seeing like-minded people doesn't involve major effort, expense, planning, and John having to ask for time off.

So... my assignment is to suss out the hidden spankos in So. CA. The ones who get me, with whom I can connect and relate. And who will understand that I don't do well with initiating plans and so forth, but will gently nudge me and coax me out of my walls. 

Sure, in a perfect world, I could fly to every gathering out there, but we know that's not happening. And the damned 21st century still stubbornly refuses to invent teleportation. Therefore, I need to make my own local connections, somehow. 

Just not sure how, at this point. But it's a goal.

26 comments:

  1. I get it. I have been having the same issue up here. All BDSM and such. The local parties are in a dungeon though they specify spanking only. I haven't gone in a while and I don't want to. I may again, but the last couple of times, it was boring the last time, I didn't play at all.

    I know they tried to have a spanking group up here with munches and such, but they never last very long and I don't know why. Maybe because a lot of them are also into BDSM. So where are the spankos? They have to be out there somewhere and as you know, we have to be careful.

    I wish you well in your search.

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  2. Bobbie Jo -- I know some will think I'm being "spanking elitist" or something like that. But it just doesn't feel right to me, having a spanking party in a dungeon. The atmosphere is too... I don't know what. Dark. And the club's Dungeon Masters attend these parties -- I had my fill of them when I went to the Lair years ago.

    I'm not saying I've never been in bondage, or dabbled in some edgy play. But it's the exception rather than the rule, and I don't want to be at a party where spanking feels like "BDSM lite."

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  3. I yearn for that as well. Especially with money preventing us from joining you in Vegas next month, and also with it looking like we will only be able to attend one big party this year. :(

    For our area, there are only a few spankos who live near us, and by near I mean a 3-4 hour drive. No local scene, and an extremely small bdsm scene that doesn't match up with my spanko purist desires.

    I get so lonely sometimes wishing we lived near a more active scene. I keep hoping I find that lottery ticket that can pay for us to fly everywhere, but until then I will continue to curse my low paying profession and attempt to live vicariously through blog reports and status updates. As selfish and self-centered as it is, I just hope that people don't completely forget about me when I am unable to attend and keep inviting me to parties in the off chance that someday I actually will be able to afford to come!

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  4. SAS -- I know that feeling well. But I can tell you for sure, no one will forget about you. ♥

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  5. If you move to Amsterdam, we can start a group. I understand what you mean when you say people think LA is so kinky. Amsterdam is kinky but it's (as far as I can find) the same thing - BDSM - and so flexible in orientation that it's almost overdone. I hope that doesn't sound terrible - whatever floats your boat - but at the end of the day, I have one set of friends who are spankos and I'm the most experienced out of us! :) I'd love to explore and just talk to people who understand but it's just not here or I just can't find it.

    So move here please and problem solves for both of us. Hurry.

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  6. Natasha -- now there's an option! :-D

    When I first joined the scene, L.A. was hopping with spankos. But that's because Eve and Tony (of Shadow Lane) were still living here. After they moved to Vegas, the scene lost its central focus.

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  7. You could suss out the local spankos who want the same level of play that you do,
    and make your own group, you know. You could convince one of the people you already know to be the head of it so that the introvert half of you won't run and hide at just the thought of starting your own spanking group. I'm pretty sure you'd have plenty of people who want to be part of it!

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  8. Jen -- definitely, someone else would have to be the head of it and the organizer. I am a follower, not a leader. I love my friends... but I'd rather chew tinfoil than organize and coordinate them. :-)

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  9. You must know somebody who's more into that end of things, organizing and coordinating things. You're the "name" that will bring the members to the group, so that's how you'll help out. : )

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  10. Aren't all the spankos still here and just Eve and Tony moved? Just like this new invitation only smaller Vegas party started recently, maybe a quarterly small party in LA? Are some of the friends you'll see in Vegas from here? If so, maybe this could work. Just a thought.

    Pam

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  11. Pam -- well, a lot of them aren't active anymore (the ones that were having the parties back when Eve & Tony were here). And actually, the people we'll be seeing in Vegas are from all over. The hotel is the same one where they have the Shadow Lane parties, so we already know it's spanko-safe. :-)

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  12. I can relate to this particular blog entry. I hear ya.

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  13. Mace -- I figured some people might.

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  14. Erica, I believe your therapist is RIGHT. You should try a little VANILLA, once in a while, because you are an EXCELLANT WRITER. Just like your FATHER. Talking of your father did he ever attend some of the AWARD SHOWS, such as the OSCARS, EMMYS, SCREEN ACTORS GUILD. etc. out there in HOLLYWOOD. If so, what did he think of them. XXX Luv ya.

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  15. That';s a good point, by sixofthebest!
    And as for your own idea: the ad is out, I'd say, so just use the time in between to think about place and plan for the club. I'm sure it will be realy special, if YOU do it,

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  16. You think that's rough try finding spankos in Fresno, CA

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  17. Six -- my father attended the Emmys for sure; that much I know. He won five of them. :-) He may have gone to some of the others as well in his career.

    MrJ -- it's really not something I want to do. I just want to find someone else doing it. :-)

    Anonymous -- yeah, that kinda sucks. :-(

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  18. Maybe someone shoudl organize an on-line meeting. Sort of like a munch or a small aprty, but on-line. Combine the power of chat rooms with web caming. I think Skype could handle this with its conference calling feature. It wouldn't be as much fun as meeting in person, but it would remove the need to go outside and allow like-minded sponos to gather, in a sense, and swap thoughts.

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  19. Anonymous -- I think many would love that idea; it would certainly provide a degree of connection that simply being online can't do. I will never get a web cam, though. Too many horror stories.

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  20. I *love* planning parties! I think we can start something fun! Hosting might just keep me from getting into trouble with the Mr...as long as I'm refilling drinks I can't get spanked :) Let's do lunch and get the ball rolling :)

    xo,
    SC

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  21. SC -- oh, please. Dream on. ;-) But yes, lunch soon!

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  22. Hi Erica -- I can relate to this post. It's hard to find local Spankos, I wish you the best of luck. Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

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  23. I hear you! Utah is not where the mind takes one when thinking about a large kinky community but there is a big core group of BDSMers local to me. Are they spankos? No. As you said, some dabble in spanking in a list of many other things they do in their scenes. And that's cool. But it's not what I want to do. It's extremely difficult to find a compatible play partner who will get what I'm talking about and wanting. Though there's plenty who will spank you if you want to always have to give a blowjob in return. *eyeroll* I miss the folks who enjoy spanking for the sake of spanking.

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  24. Lea -- I've heard that about Utah! It's those quiet religious ones that fool us all... :-D

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  25. Totally understand wanting social connections with people you don't have to hide important things from. My wife and I moved to the high desert of SoCal two years ago and have the same issue. We're about 2 hours away, but that can become half a day depending on traffic in the IE.

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