The semantics of spanking

Granted, I'm a woman of many pet peeves, so no one really takes me seriously when I mention one. Especially since they're usually so trivial. The following is no different, but perhaps a fellow spanko/linguist out there will relate.

It annoys me when people call a slap or two on the bum a "spanking." A single whack is not a "spanking." It's a slap. Or a smack. Or a whack. Or whatever the hell term you want to use. I guess you could even say it's a "spank." But it is not a "spanking." Spankings are in multiples.

John and I went to see The Wolf of Wall Street on Saturday. The day before, someone had written on FetLife: "Go see Wolf of Wall Street! It's great, and it even has a spanking in it!" Do tell, I thought. Since we were already planning to see it, I kept my eyes eagerly peeled for that particular scene.

For those of you who haven't seen the movie, I won't give any plot spoilers, don't worry. But suffice it to say that it's one of the most depraved movies out there lately. It's based on the true story of fallen stockbroker Jordan Belfort, and his lifestyle of tons of money, drugs, hookers and sex. You see a lot of nudity, and a whole lot of cocaine. You hear the f-word over 500 times (yes, really) in three hours. You see all kinds of sex. You see Leonardo DiCaprio with a lit candle stuck where the sun don't shine.

But there's no spanking in it.

What there is, is this. A scene with DiCaprio snorting a line of coke off a hooker's behind. She's crouched on the bed with her butt up high in his face, and after he snorts, he gives her one slap, then when she wiggles, he gives her one more. The End.

That's not a spanking, dammit! Really, how disappointing.

Honestly, I'd enjoy a scene with Leo giving a spanking. I think he's pretty damn cute. Go ahead, laugh at me.

It kind of reminds me of people who do a little "slap-and-tickle" during sex and call that spanking. I just want to yank them out of bed, plop them down in front of the TV and show them a proper spanking video. "Now that's a spanking," I'd smirk, as their eyes glaze over. 

Oh, how this movie could have used a real spanking. There's one scene where Leo's character and his wife are having a huge screaming fight in the bedroom, and she keeps throwing water on him. All he does is sputter and scream and swear. In our world, he'd grab her, they'd sprawl onto the bed, and he'd throw her across his lap and wallop her with drops of water flying everywhere. Hey, if he could snort coke off her boobs (yes, he did), he could certainly spank her, couldn't he?

Besides, she needed a spanking, big time. She wasn't very nice to him. (Of course, he wasn't about to win any Husband of the Year prizes either.)

But I digress. Call things what they are, people. Don't get me all excited about a possible spanking scene and then show me a slap. A slap does not a spanking make. A slap is a mere tease. If someone told you that they were going to give you a slice of cake, wouldn't you be ticked off if they then gave you just one tiny bite?

Speaking of which, I'm not getting my weekly session of sustained slapping until Wednesday. Oh well. Better late than not at all, I guess.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend.