OT Rant: Stop the food madness!!

It's been a while since I've written one of these "gross food" treatises. For those who are relatively new to my blog, you can see two of my past food rants here and here.

So what propels me to the vomitorium today? Two things, actually: 1. what the humble pizza has devolved into, and 2. the continuing insanity of sweet/savory combinations.

I am no expert on pizza, and I know nothing of its origins or how or where it came to be so popular. But when I was growing up, pizza was a very simple thing: A crust, thin or slightly thicker, in a circular shape, topped with some tomato sauce, cheese (usually mozzarella) and Italian seasonings. If you liked, you could add some standard toppings -- pepperoni, mushrooms, peppers, sausage. It was baked until the cheese was melted and stringy, and then you tried to eat it without burning the roof of your mouth.

Period.

Then I don't know what the hell happened. I suspect it dates back to the restaurant California Pizza Kitchen, which I think first popularized putting weird shit on pizza, like barbecued chicken, or ham and pineapple. Fast forward to today, and pizza is virtually unrecognizable. The foodie establishments seem to think you can put any freaking thing on a crust and call it a pizza. And I mean anything.

I don't know what the @#$% the above is, but it is not a pizza. Yes, it's on a pizza crust. The resemblance stops there. Artichoke hearts? Fried onions? And what the hell is that -- jam??

Recently, a new pizza restaurant opened in Altadena -- they tout themselves as "Pizza with a point of view." Yeah, right into my churning stomach.

Here are some of the menu choices.

1. Sashimi pizza. Yes, pizza with raw fish on it. That huge *clunk* you just heard was a collection of sushi chefs all over the world keeling over in a dead faint.

2. Crab boil pizza. Oh, for Christ's sake. Don't dump crabmeat stew/soup/whatever it is on a crust and call it a pizza. That is disgusting. And messy. Serve the crab boil in a bowl where it belongs, and serve some nice crusty bread with it. 

3. Braised lamb with tabbouleh and tzatziki. OK, I don't even know what tzatziki is. I'm sure it's delicious. But this is not a pizza. 

4. Brussels sprouts and brie. I'm speechless, so I'll let Jimmy Fallon take over:

When did the pizza become a culinary garbage disposal?? An "anything goes" food item? Folks, we already have a dish where you throw anything and everything on/into it. It's called hash.

Next, Part Two of my rant on sweet/savory combos. Don't worry, I'm not going to talk about bacon in everything from ice cream to cookies; I already did that. But this craze continues, and it's getting crazier by the minute.

Admittedly, I don't care for the combination of sweet and salty/savory. I never liked Payday bars. I don't like kettle corn or salted caramel. When I ate bacon and pancakes as a kid, the pancakes had to be on a separate plate so the syrup didn't run into the bacon. But I realize people enjoy these tastes and I accept them -- in moderation.

People love cheeseburgers. People love Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I don't eat either one of those, but I am willing to acknowledge that both can be very tasty and enjoyable.

However, a cheeseburger with a Krispy Kreme doughnut as a bun is disgusting.

I think somewhere along the line, I've already mentioned how I feel about taking wonderful fresh, sweet, juicy fruit, nature's candy, and putting hot chili powder on it. John's sister once served a big bowl of that. I didn't think it was possible to dislike her more, but there it was.

And WTF is up with the continuing trend of enrobing all things savory with chocolate? We have the aforementioned bacon covered with chocolate, and chocolate-dipped potato chips. I'm sure there's someone, somewhere, dipping their French fries in Hershey's syrup. But recently at Whole Foods market, I saw something so unbelievably grotesque, I damn near had a stroke:

That's right -- chocolate-covered beef jerky. I had to leave the vicinity immediately, or else they would have needed a Clean-up on Aisle 9.

Who conceives of this grossness?? Foods are like colors and patterns, in a way; if you combine certain ones, they clash. What's next -- chocolate sauce on lobster? Don't forget the bittersweet cocoa powder to sprinkle on your side of mashed potatoes! And for dessert, ice cream with Hollandaise sauce?

BLECCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Please, stop the madness, foodies. One of these days, your taste buds are going to get so overloaded that they explode. And from that point on, everything you eat will taste like the canned low-sodium soup they serve in the old folks' home.

Ah. I feel cleansed now. I just need to unsee these pictures.

Have a great weekend, y'all.