The need

I didn't even know what it was, just that I needed something. Sleep? Food? Fun? Attention? Probably all of the above. But I felt so tired and drained today, I actually considered canceling on ST, because I didn't feel up to playing. I wanted to see him, but I didn't think I'd be any fun.

Dragged myself to the gym and made it through the workout, but still felt like someone had replaced all the blood in my body with lead pellets. Just wanted to curl up in a dark bedroom and sleep. But instead, I showered, washed my hair, dressed nicely, straightened up the place. I may not have wanted to play, but somewhere underneath the malaise, I knew I needed to.

He'd read my blog; he knew where I was. We talked for a while. He was sussing me out, gauging my mood. When we transitioned into play mode, there was none of the usual banter and sass. All I said was, "Please take me somewhere else." He understood.

Sorry, guys. No pictures tonight. And no entertaining repartee. We barely spoke through the entire scene. His demeanor was gentle, but the spanking was not. It pushed me and pushed me until I broke. Exactly as I needed to.

Everything seemed to hurt more; I was hypersensitive and I thrashed and squirmed a fair amount. But once the tears began, I settled into the pain, welcoming it, absorbing it. He was quiet; didn't speak, didn't ask questions that demanded answers. He just let me be and poured all his focus into what he was doing.

When the time came for the final wooden paddle strokes (because that is always how we end), he didn't make me count. However, in a final attempt to blast out the last of the lingering tension, he gave me the last four very quickly, and I damn near screamed. But it was over.

I kept my face buried for a long time; I don't know why it's so hard for me to face him after a scene, especially when I've been crying. Self-conscious, perhaps. I know he wants to see my face. But he waits, patiently.

"What would I do without you," I murmured. Rhetorical question. I don't want to know the answer. Not for a very long time.

We watched a couple of episodes of Fawlty Towers (I had it from Netflix) and then he had to go. He was sleepy. So was I. In fact, I wanted to go to bed then and there, but it was too early. I needed to eat, to blog while it was fresh.

Now I'm well fed, well spanked and well cared for. I will sink into blissful sleep, have a day of pampering tomorrow, and then get up bright and early (bleah) Wednesday morning to go shoot with Lily and Robert. ST offered to take the day off work and come be my fluffer (or in this case, reddener), but I told him that wouldn't be necessary. :-) It's going to be lots of fun and I look forward to it.

Funny side note, regarding Twitter. I was tweeting with a friend an hour or so ago about tonight's scene, and I mentioned that I felt incredibly "drained." In the next few minutes, I noticed I had a new follower.

A plumber.

No, not that kind of drained, dear. Put your snake away. Please.

Feeling a bit mushy and weepy, but in the best possible way. Thank you, ST.