An update

My favorite picture of J and me.

First, to everyone who has left comments/sent emails, expressed concern and offered good wishes, thank you. Usually I respond to each comment individually, but well... you know. I'm sure you'll give me a pass this time.

As we speak, J is having another test done. They're sedating him, then putting a tube down his throat so they can get a different look at what's going on down in there. It takes a while and he'll be out of it afterward, so I'm going to try calling him later this afternoon. He hasn't wanted me to visit, so we've been talking on the phone frequently. I don't know if it's because he doesn't want to stress me out, or because he doesn't like me seeing him like this.

I'm ashamed to admit this, but when I came to see him on Saturday, he looked so wasted and shrunken in that hospital bed, I could barely keep from crying. I sat on the bed next to him and held his hand, but I kept looking away. I didn't even realize I was doing it until he said, "Please look at me... I like it when you look at me." God, I felt like such a little shit. Maybe that's why he doesn't want me to visit.

The good news is that, for the first time today, his blood tested negative for the bacteria. Of course, it has to do that several more times before they will release him. They cannot put the shunt in his arm until his blood is clean. Then he'll have six weeks of home IV treatments to knock all the bacteria out of his heart.

After that course of treatment, he'll be re-evaluated. Surgery may still be necessary, but we'll deal with that then.

Once he gets out, he will be able to function quite normally. He can drive, go to work, etc. They want him to get his strength back, but not overdo it. He's promised me he will work 8-hour days, not these damned crazy 12 to 14-hour days he's been pulling. He will do everything his doctor tells him. I hope he means that, and it's not just a hospital-bed promise. Oh, and he also promised that in the future, if he gets a cold or the flu and it drags on past a normal illness period, he will go get bloodwork.

He's still eating well, so that's a relief. When they give him a break each day from the IV, he goes for a walk around the hospital corridors. He's washing his hair, etc.

People are asking how I am, if I'm taking care of myself. I am. I'm eating. I'm sleeping. I went to the gym yesterday. I am trying to keep busy so I don't think too much. And although I haven't seen anyone, I'm keeping in touch with friends so I don't isolate. I had two invitations to play this week, and I have turned them both down. J wanted me to go ahead, but I cannot. I'm not in the right headspace for it. Maybe next week. I know that's part of taking care of myself too, but this week, it doesn't feel right.

Anyway... that's it for now. We still don't know when he'll be released. Could be tomorrow, Thursday, Friday... I will update.

Thank you all, again, for your caring. You touch my cynical little heart. :-)

Update on the update:  5:35 PM. Just got off the phone with J. The tube-down-the-throat test went well. They're predicting Thursday morning for his release, but that is not carved in stone. Tomorrow, they will insert the shunt and teach him how to use it. He'll need to give himself the IV meds either once or twice a day; it's not a continual thing. 

He said to tell all of you that he appreciates your kind words and support, that they buoy his spirits. Friends are wonderful and we are both very grateful.