Can you say "FUCK IT," boys and girls?

That's where I'm at, kids. Just sad and mad and needy and weepy and frustrated and empty inside and not sleeping well and envious of people having fun and BLECCCCCHHHHHH!!!! 

I need a spanking like nobody's business. Times like this I wish I found self-spanking at least somewhat satisfying, but I do not.

I want to blog something funny and sexy and uplifting and interesting, but I have nothing. 

I want to post some fun new pictures, but I don't have any.

I am sick of myself needing and wanting.

Two bits of good news: Today, John is finally getting the oral device for his sleep apnea. It will no doubt need some adjustments and so forth, but at least he'll have it. He can get it tweaked by his dentist as well, whom he'll be seeing next week. So that's a relief. And this past week, he finally, finally had the tree trimmer come to his house and cut back all the trees in his yard. He lives up in a canyon, a fire-hazard area, and his trees had overgrown so much that his valley view was completely occluded. I have been begging him to have the damn things cut for so long now, I can't remember. It's been at least two years. I am terrified of fire, and the sight of all that overgrowth in his back yard has been stressing me. But I know he's had a lot on his plate and he's been so ill, and this was a low priority for him. But it's finally done, and I am so relieved. He's grumbling about how much it cost, but oh well. If he hadn't let it go so damn long, it wouldn't have been so expensive!

He can't schedule his heart surgery yet. He wants it in March, and his @#$%ing HMO won't schedule March surgeries until February. 

No word yet on when his mother's memorial will be. Meanwhile, we haven't been to his sister's restaurant for lunch for the past two weeks. He texted her, asking if we were still welcome, and she never answered. so we've gone elsewhere. Fine by me -- fuck her, too. 

Saw my doc last Wednesday; it's been nearly three months since my surgery. He was a little concerned that the incision scars are still bright red, when they should be pinkish-white by now. But he said just keep treating them with the scar gel and he'll see me again in a month. Meanwhile, to refresh my memory, he showed me the "before" pictures he took in his office. Blech. One of these days, when I'm finally feeling cheerful again, I'll take some face pictures for you guys so you can see the progress. Right now, I'm just not up for it.

So, that's where I am right now. I guess I should give myself the same advice I would give a friend feeling the same way: Be gentle with myself, do something fun, and hang in there. Oh, and don't watch anything sad. Comedy is the order of the day. Fortunately, what with the movie academy president's horrible gaffe yesterday, there has been plenty of comic fodder. (In case you didn't hear, she was announcing the Academy Award nominees, and when she came to cinematographer Dick Pope, she pronounced it "Dick Poop.")

Have a good weekend, y'all.