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Monday, February 10, 2014

A little something I posted on FetLife

What's good enough for FetLife is certainly good enough for my blog, no? Most of my readers already know this about me -- I hate being called names. Please don't misunderstand me here; I am NOT putting down those who fetishize/eroticize certain words I consider degrading. My beef is with people (men, in my case) who assume it's OK to use those words without talking about them with someone first.

So here goes:

Do. Not. Call Me Names.

OK, guys. Here's the deal. I'm not naive; I'm fully aware there are many female fetish enthusiasts out there who get off on humiliation, degradation, being called unflattering names. Fine. If that's what they like, that's what they like.
I, however, don't happen to be one of them. And I'm not alone. So don't even think about calling a woman an ugly name unless you are damn sure that she wants you to. Because, along with poor technique, the wrong words can kill a scene as well.
Years ago, John and I tried playing with a couple at a dungeon. He and the woman hit it off well, no pun intended. The man and me? Notsomuch. First time playing with me, he slapped my butt a few times, then grabbed a fistful of my hair, yanked it hard, and hissed in my ear, "How do you like that, you little BITCH?"
I didn't. Scene over.
We write and write and write about do's and don'ts in our scene, and get comments like, "Don't people know that? Isn't that just common sense? Kink 101?" Apparently not. As I like to say, common sense is frighteningly uncommon. A lot of misguided folks out there adopt a sort of cookie-cutter behavior -- what works for one should work for everyone.
So I won't speak for women in general; I know better. This is just for little old me, and for any other women with whom it resonates:
I am not a bitch.
I am not a whore.
I am not a slut. The only man who gets to call me "slut" is John, and that's because he does it jokingly -- my standard reply is "but I'm your slut."
I am not a c-word. Please refrain from using that word in my presence. I hate it more than any other word in the English language. I was called that frequently by an abusive, horrible person in my life, and no one will ever call me that again.
I am not a pig.
I am not dirty, filthy or nasty. Naughty, yes.
I am not an inferior being who needs to be put in her place.
I am not a fucktoy or a cumdump.

Again, some women will like any or all of the above. But never assume so; find out for sure. Unless, of course, you enjoy getting ripped a new one. :-)


  1. Well said, I just hope it does not fall on deaf ears - Hal

  2. Hal -- it may, but at least I tried.

  3. Hi Erica -- That's HORRIBLE :-( all those names are VERY degrading. I don't want anyone to call me those kinds of names either. I have had some abusive heartless idiots call me some of those names before too :-( It made me feel TERRIBLE about myself, Whatever they say about me or you,They are saying it about themselves,That's what they are :-) The only word that I am is NAUGHTY :-) Just like you. Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

  4. Jade -- remember, though, some women do like it. The point is the men have to find out *first* if they like it, before they say those things. :-)

  5. Sounds like a good start for an etiquette for the erotic blogosphere.

  6. Erica,

    In all my spanking play, I have never called a female any of these names. None of my friends want to feel degraded. There are people who enjoy this type of play, but a Top/Dom should respect the wishes of the sub/bottom.

    Sorry that you have had to endure the name calling.


  7. Erica, on this subject matter of calling a woman UNWANTED NAMES, I agree with you 100%. Both parties must RESPECT each other in an 'spanking scene'. Because one of the parties can be TURNED OFF, when they are uncomfortably ABUSED, by the other party.
    Now on a more pleasant subject matter. Did you see the GRAMY TRIBUTE to the BEATLES 50th Anniversary on CBS. with PAUL, and RINGO, etc. I thought the show was FANTASTIC.

  8. MrJ -- I'd say so.

    joey -- for some, it's a turn-on. For others, it's practically a PTSD trigger. So it needs to be handled with care.

    Six -- I chose not to watch it, actually.

  9. Well said.

    Along with the missing common sense, some people seem to lose their grasp of basic social courtesy. I like some of those words, from some people. But like anything else I may or may not want in a scene, words and names require communication.

    Even beyond the turn-offs, almost all of us have triggers. Some may be more powerful than others, but it's important to our emotional safety to discuss these things.

  10. Ugh! Such ugly words. They do nothing for me except make me want to run a mile from the person who says them. But yes, I do realize that they are what some women need to hear.

    It takes all kinds.


  11. Well said, you are a delightful, thoughtful and beautiful person

  12. NONE of those words are acceptable when addressing me. But THE ONE you hate most of all, I am the first to admit I hurl it at or about people I detest. Fortunately they are very few. Most are former co-workers, former bosses, and nasty relatives. But they have always done something so reprehensible and unforgivable that I consider them useless to me and have shut the door on a re-entry into my life.
    But duly noted, the next time I go on a private email writing rampage I'll bypass that word!

    I LOVE the term brat and have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact so many others do NOT. Whenever I see or hear of a top mentioning how this annoys him or her I know we won't likely cross paths in the future. I can't help but think just HOW exciting are those sessions if they discourage playful sass, banter, etc. Because that's MY assessment of what a brat is.

  13. Lizzie -- I don't know why courtesy flies out the window so often when kink comes in. Why should kinky people be exempt from being treated with good manners, I wonder?

    Hermione -- it does indeed.

    Ron -- thank you.

    Kelly -- I am not bothered by "brat" either. The only time it does annoy me is when Uber-Doms use it as a pejorative, indicating any bottom who isn't a "yes sir, no sir" sub. That ticks me off.

  14. How does "Goddess" grab you?

  15. John -- nah. I'm no goddess. But thank you. :-)

  16. I'm loath to use such words, even if asked. I don't have the heart for such brutality, either toward women or men.

  17. AP -- yup. Not my thing, either. But not everyone likes what I like, either. :-)

  18. Courtesy and common sense, on life support now.

    If you'll excuse a very long quote from "The Four Loves," C.S. Lewis had this to say about liberties that Affection is wont to take. :

    'We can say anything to one another.' The truth behind this is that Affection at its best wishes neither to wound nor to humiliate nor to domineer. You may address the wife of your bosom as 'Pig!' when she has inadvertently drunk your cocktail as well as her own. You may roar down the story which your father is telling once too often. You may tease and hoax and banter. You can say 'Shut up. I want to read.' You can do anything in the right tone and at the right moment--the tone and moment which are not intended to, and will not, hurt. The better the Affection the more unerringly it knows which these are (every love has its art of love).

    But the domestic Rudesby means something quite different when he claims liberty to say 'anything'. Having a very imperfect sort of Affection himself, or perhaps at that moment none, he arrogates to himself the beautiful liberties which only the fullest Affection has a right to or knows how to manage. He then uses them spitefully in obedience to his resentments; or ruthlessly in obedience to his egoism; or at best stupidly, lacking the art. And all the time he may have a clear conscience. He knows that Affection takes liberties. He is taking liberties. Therefore (he concludes) he is being affectionate. Resent anything and he will say that the defect of love is on your side. He is hurt. He has been misunderstood."

  19. Wolfie -- oh, I like this. Never read it before. Thank you!

  20. Erica, I think there's a spectrum. You've provided words that lie on the more offensive end of that spectrum. (And maybe if we don't feel comfortable saying those words to a stranger on the subway, they're likewise not good candidates for a scene either). But words like "naughty" or maybe "bad girl" fall more in the middle of the acceptance spectrum, especially for a spanking scene. The offensiveness of various words will depend on who's saying them and in what context.

    It seems to me that spanking play, especially with people you don't know very well on short notice, can be tricky to get right. Not in avoiding the words you mentioned, because that's more obvious, but in avoiding the more minor faux paus that could mess up the experience for the spankee.

    Pre-scene negotiation would help, but even then I could see the spanker stumbling on "mid-spectrum" words and behaviors... In those situations, the more hard limit info the spankee can provide might also help the spanker in providing that good experience.

    You've done so much more play than I have a better feel for how this works or not :) so all is IMO.

  21. Anonymous -- you make an excellent point, and you're right. The really obvious words are one thing, but then there are so many others that fall in the middle and are a matter of personal preference.

    I tend to have more tolerance for the use of my "squick" words, if the top doesn't know they creep me out. For example, if I play with a man for the first time, he has no way of knowing that the word "tushy" makes me want to hurl my breakfast. Since it's not an offensive word per se, I can't really get upset -- I just politely tell them to please, please say bottom, or behind, or butt, or pretty much anything but that! :-)

  22. Only just caught up with this thread as I was on holiday.

    From the a (UK) male spanking fiction writer and blogger I’ve long been concerned at the worrying lack of respect for women, to put it mildly, prevalent in some online spanking circles.

    At a time when public attitudes to consensual adult spanking appear to be softening and becoming more liberal such boorish behaviour isn't going to help.

    Even on high profile sites, such as tumblr, women taking a submissive role are all too often called bitches, sluts and whores. Sadly there exist pictures of women bent over to be punished with 'slut' written on their bottom. Goodness knows what sort of self-image they maintain? Is it really plausible they gave informed agreement to this? Decided nothing would better compliment spanking games than pictures posted of themselves with 'whore and 'use me' crudely emblazoned on them in lipstick? Even allowing for a little method acting their expressions don't seem to say so. Who would want to associate with a spanker who thinks making such derogatory remarks is acceptable? This is the behaviour of the classic bully.

    Fortunately I’ve a long-term partner with a healthy amount of self-respect, who sees no contradiction between her submissive 'spanko' sexuality and avowed feminism (even if most of her female friends would!)

    A spankee can be dominated without being diminished as a human being. Men (because it usually is) who describe their spanking/caning/tawsing (delete according to taste) female partners as sluts and whores display an immaturity and insecurity ill befitting them to be a top. In instances where spanking is a prelude to sex, hectoring insults hardly set the mood.

    By all means assume control and take a naughty little madam to task, but show some class. It's perfectly easy - in fact, says my wife, much better - to be good mannered and polite when firmly instructing the light of your life to 'pull your panties down and bend over right now'. Apparently, a woman would much rather be spanked by a gentleman...

    In choosing to obey and allowing you to spank her, your spankee makes herself vulnerable and pays you the enormous compliment of her complete trust. Please treat her, and women in general, properly. in life, print, pictures, online, and above all in your writing of spanking fiction, because dominant or submissive we're all equal.

  23. Darren -- I totally get what you're saying. But it's a slippery slope, criticizing a fetish. If all women hated those names, that would be reason to propose eradicating them. But many are turned on by them and want to hear them.

    A lot of people out there don't like what I do, either. ("You get SPANKED like a child? How degrading!" "You're a grown woman and you like it when a man calls you 'naughty girl'?") But if they were to say that what I enjoy feeling and hearing is wrong and should no longer by practiced, I'd feel pretty bereft.

    My point is, if people like it, they like it, and let them enjoy it. But do NOT assume that I want it, or that anyone else wants it, without making sure it's acceptable.

  24. You should have had a career in the diplomatic service...

    Best wishes