PLEASE NOTE: This blog contains adult subjects and content, and because of Google/Blogger's recent nonsense, I HAVE MOVED TO WORDPRESS. For my enlightened friends who wish to visit me in my new home, it's Please bookmark it!

The rest of you? Please take your judge-y selves somewhere more wholesome, like here:

Go on.... shoo!

Friday, March 30, 2012

The wait, and the weight

The week has slowly ticked by, and tomorrow we will be going to see my mother. To say I'm not looking forward to this is a grand understatement.

When something is weighing on me, everything else that's worrisome seems to escalate as well. I am worrying about John, as usual. We've had this ongoing business with his knee; it's verrrrrrry slowwwwwwly improving, but he still can't take his walks or bike rides. In recent months, he seems to have developed sleep apnea; he snores horribly and we can't sleep together anymore. He is supposed to go for one of those overnight sleep studies, but between his work and concerns about his knee and about his own mother (who is going into an assisted facility this weekend), he hasn't addressed that issue. And speaking of work -- last night, we were on the phone at 8:30 and he was still at the office. No wonder I simply don't have it in me to be involved with my mother's non-life. Worrying about John is a full-time job.

Tomorrow will go as it goes. My stepfather will either be accepting or he won't. I'm not going to beg him to forgive me. And after tomorrow, I will make an effort to focus on good things ahead.

I'm shooting with Lily Starr this Wednesday; we rescheduled and I look forward to that. BBW is a month away, and that will bring me much joy. Not just the playing, but seeing so many dear friends and meeting new ones. It will be a soul-nurturing four days.

And, as a friend pointed out, there is always a Monday coming. ST, I appreciate you more than you'll ever imagine. You are a gift that just keeps giving.

Finally, a word about low-life, bottom-feeding scum suckers. Also known as people who post attacks via anonymous comments. You think I'm disgusting? No. Disgusting is deliberate, calculated meanness, and the cowardice of hiding behind an anonymous post. You don't like me, or my writing? Nobody's holding a gun to your head; don't read my blog or anything else I write. At the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and know that I haven't gone out of my way to hurt anyone or ruin their day; you can't say the same. And until you've lived my life and known what it's like to be my mother's daughter, don't you fucking dare judge my family situation.

To my friends, I wish y'all a great weekend.


  1. Here, here! Good one Erica. I know you will be ok. Yeah, not fun, though you will feel better in the long run. Take good care of yourself. Then you can be there for John and ST.

  2. Hi Erica-I wish you and John lot's of good luck this weekend.I hope John feel's better soon :-( Sleep Apnea SUCKS,Who ever is putting bad comment's about you is a total heartless asshole that is a big bully and has no life :-( YOU are a WONDERFUL person inside and out :-)I know you will get through this tough weekend cause your a strong person stronger than you could ever imagine,much Love and hug's from your naughty girl Jade XOXO

  3. Bobbie Jo -- I know I will be glad I did this, for sure. Just... ugh. Wish I didn't have to, you know?

    Dana -- indeed she does. I'm not worth two cents to anyone if I'm a wreck, so I'm going to take care of me.

    Jade -- you're a sweetheart; always know that. Thank you.

  4. I'd be one of the LAST people to judge you for anything you do,ESPECIALLY how you deal or NOT deal with blood relatives.

    John is clearly a more ambitious worker than I'll EVER be. LOL!

    I'm looking forward to BBW too. Though I'm sooo well mannered/behaved (CHOKES on laughter) I doubt I'll get many spankings. Truthfully I'm just as eager to socialize with friends I've met and ones I have yet to meet.

    March 30, 2012 3:47 PM

  5. Kelly -- John is a workaholic and pushes himself relentlessly. I most certainly am not and never was; I'm old school. Jobs should be eight hours and that's it, and if you can't get enough production out of people in that time period, hire more, dammit.

  6. new to you and your blog, so I thought I'd come in to say hey. Looking forward to reading your stuff. I'll return often, if that's OK.

    Jade Cary

  7. Erica,

    Sending you good thoughts.

    I think I must whatever you were talking about in the last big paragraph... Anyway, some people are just assholes.

  8. JadeC -- welcome! Please come by as often as you like. I promise, most of my posts are more fun than this one. :-)

    Beth -- it was deleted post-haste. Good to see you. :-)

  9. My wife and older daughter both suffer from sleep apnea. They both sleep with a CPAP machine. My wife's specialist was a member of the team that invented the machine. I don't know the situation in the USA but the sleep study in Sydney involves the patient being dropped off at about 10pm and picked up at about 6am. It is not as scary as it sounds. Have a good weekend anyway.

  10. John -- yes, the sleep study here is overnight as well. Not scary at all. But the CPAP device seems like such a pain in the butt! They do have alternatives now, such a dental device one wears inside the mouth. I'd prefer that over that clunky mask, definitely.

  11. Fine if it works. Originally the Americans were not interested in the CPAP because somebody had come up with a minor surgery to the back of the throat but they changed their minds when the surgery only had short term effect.

  12. Erica, this won't mean much coming from someone you don't know, but I wouldn't feel any obligation to these people (your mom & stepdad). And I'm a good person, I really care about people. I've made my good friends my family of choice. I also think that people have to earn the right to be part of a family.

    Anyway, I don't think you've got anything to feel bad about. I wouldn't have wasted a day on them.

    I hope you don't waste your valuable time feeling guilty.

    All my best,

  13. Hiya, Toots!

    Yes, waiting for something unpleasant is almost always worse than the thing itself. You will do fine, and then will have the assurance of knowing you gave your best love.

    Good gravy, John has to endure one thing after another. My brother-in-aw had the oxygen-mask-doodad for sleep apnea, but after a while it didn't seem to be required, at least not regularly.

    Big hug!!

  14. "The CRAP Device??" (Puts on reading glasses)OHHhh-- CPAP!!

  15. Erica, I hang out at the Blogger help forum, helping where I can, and saw your query about anonymous commenters. (Yeah, I really know how to have a good time:) I'm sorry you are being plagued by idiots here in your blogging home.

    It's a shame that snoring is keeping you two apart on the few nights you spend together. John might try RIPSnore. It worked for us.


  16. Cindy -- believe me, I feel the same way you do. Family is a crap-shoot at best, and blood shouldn't equate to obligation, if the people aren't those you would choose otherwise. But I'm fighting against the tide with that one. And it's complicated, as most of these things are. No guilt... just sadness.

    Dave -- despite referring to himself as a recovering Catholic, John definitely has his crosses to bear. :-)

    Hermione -- that RIPSnore sounds like the device John's dentist was talking about. Only it would be custom-made for John's mouth.

    That's nice of you to help at the Blogger forum. They could use more helpful people! I loved their answer to me: "Disable anonymous comments." Yeah, that's a great solution... not.

  17. I hope everything goes well with the visit today. I work in the sleep field and John definitely wouldn't want to waste the money on a sleep study (they are EXPENSIVE) if he has pain that's keeping him from sleeping as well as he normally does. The data wouldn't be very accurate. Hope he gets feeling better soon.

  18. If John definitely has sleep apnea it will still be there after the knees are fixed.

    I am unfamiliar with the American health system. My wife paid $A200 excess on her private health insurance for the sleep study. The machine was $A2800, second hand ones are cheaper.

  19. By the way Dave, CPAP stands for "continuous positive airway pressure". It uses air from the atmosphere, not oxygen from a tank.
    The facial connections available are gradually getting smaller.

    If your relative was able to stop using it after a short time, good luck to him/her. It is alarming when your partner stops breathing for a while which is what the machine stops happening.

  20. Lea -- fortunately, John's HMO includes sleep studies, so it would be covered. But yeah, he has a lot of other stuff going on as well.

    John -- I don't know what will happen; we'll see. He's not going to do the study for quite a while anyway. I wish he would do it sooner, but I can't make him.

  21. Good luck with whatever you and John decide.

    I am probably as bad at the "too busy" bit as your John. When I was in my 30s I had to have major surgery which I kept putting off because I had trials coming up in which I was a key witness. The surgeon finished up ringing my wife to find why I hadn't organised a day as it was urgent the surgery was done. I spoke to my Patrol Commander who told me that my health was more important than the law and I organised to have the surgery done. We lost one matter but the department took the view that it could not be helped.

    I hope John gets his priorities right.

  22. In a post a year or so ago, you said that Natalie Wood was born "Natasha". This is the nickname of Natalia. She was born Natalia Nikolaevna Zakharenko, the Nidolaevna being the patronymic of her father.

    You bring to your site a challenge to think and a civil demand to be respected for who you are. Keep on being that person.

  23. Anonymous -- thank you. I try. You're right; she was Natalia before she was Natasha (before she was finally Natalie). Her sister was Zvetlana, which got shortened to Lana. She named her first daughter Natasha.