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Sunday, November 17, 2013

OT: The well of acid

(warning: this blog is long, and has very little to do with spanking. I'm processing stuff. If you want to skip out now, I won't be offended.)

I don't like to think of myself as an angry person. I can be snarky and cranky, a bit curmudgeonly, but truly, bitterly angry? Yeah, sometimes. I have triggers and buttons, like most of us, I guess. A certain type of person, certain behaviors, will set me off. And one of the worst of those triggers? When someone, for no good reason, tries to take someone I love/care for away from me.

I experienced this early on, as a 15-year-old, when my father met the woman who eventually became his third wife and who proceeded to make my life a living hell. She did not want him to divide his attention to her with anyone else: his friends, his colleagues, or even his own child. So she set out to machinate, manipulate and make trouble between my father and me, until the time came when his decision was forced -- her, or me. He chose her, and he and I didn't speak for 5 1/2 years. Fortunately, he came to his senses, divorced her sorry ass, and he and I were able to rise from the ashes of our burned relationship.

Cut to my adult life, and my time in the spanking scene. In my 16+ years, I've had my share of experiences with other women who had the same agenda -- they wanted something and they hated me for having it. The fact that I never did anything to them to deserve their hatred and resentment was irrelevant.

Around 2004 (I've lost track of the exact timeline), I had a great top. I recommended him to a friend of mine, they hit it off as well, so then he was playing with both of us. It was a lot of fun; we ganged up on him and pranked him, teased him on a forum where we all posted, entertained everyone with our antics. Until the two of them decided to start dating as well as being play partners. 

Suddenly, I was the enemy. She didn't want him playing with me anymore. Nor did she want him to talk to me, IM with me, or post on my forum. I lost my top and I lost a friend, and that hurt a great deal. But that wasn't the worst of it. They had a horribly tempestuous relationship, fighting often. And every time they did, I'd get angry emails from her, saying that I'd probably be happy when they crashed and burned, because then I could "have him back." Somehow, all the problems in their relationship were my fault. They broke up and got back together about half a dozen times. Meanwhile, I found a new top and moved on. But when they broke up for the last time (and he contacted me and asked if we could take up where we left off -- to which I said no), she flipped out. And told anyone and everyone who would listen to her that I had sabotaged her relationship, and what an evil woman I was.

I'd been in the scene for a while by then and had some friends... but she was an icon. She was a well-known spanking model who was idolized by many, and had been around a lot longer than I. Soon, I was hearing from third parties that people I thought were my friends were saying things like "Sever ties with Erica" and "Don't be friends with Erica; she's bad news." I didn't know who my real friends were or who was talking about me behind my back. It was horrible, it went on for a long time, and it nearly drove me out of the scene.

Cut to a few years ago. John was playing with a domme who was used to getting her own way about everything, and she wanted his complete devotion without a pesky girlfriend in the way. So she told him to break up with me. When he didn't, she set about trying to break us up with some extreme and nasty measures, ones I don't want to go into here. She damn near succeeded, too. It was a bad time, a bewildering and heartbreaking time, and I still can't hear her name without grinding my teeth.

A year and a half ago, I'd been playing with my dear and special top ST for nearly two years when he met a new woman. They started dating, and he told her about me (she was kink-friendly). She uttered a single sentence: "I don't think I like that." And I was history. She didn't know me, she'd never met me, I was no threat to her whatsoever. But I had to be banished nonetheless, and lose someone who had become important to me.

So here we are, in the present day. And when this sort of thing happened yet again, with Steve, I lost it. No, I didn't lose him. Fortunately, he cares about me and doesn't let anyone dictate with whom he can or cannot play. But the point is, this woman still tried to come between us, still wanted him to dump me. And I have found myself unable to let go of the rage and resentment. 

Last week was especially bad. I had just found out some new information about this person, and right after that, I had to deal with car troubles and root canal. I found myself seething constantly, fuming and thinking angry thoughts. I did everything I could to blow it off -- I worked out, I wrote a rather generic but pointedly angry piece for FetLife (which made K&P and got 145 "Loves"), I shared my feelings with a few trusted girlfriends. But the anger simply would not pass. My reaction was something like what I imagine people with PTSD go through. It was all-consuming.

This weekend, I talked about the situation at length with John, did a whole lot of raging and used a lot of unflattering words and phrases. (No, I didn't use that word. No one will ever reduce me to that level.) At one point today, John chided me and said, "That's not very nice." And I screamed, "Yeah, I'm a bitch! I don't care! She started it, and she wasn't nice either! And I'm sick of it! I never did anything to her! And I never did anything to... [I went on to list all the women I've mentioned in this blog -- stepmother, former friend, domme, etc.]! But they still fucked with me and I'm SICK of being fucked with! Why do these women always want to take people away from me??" And, to my shock, I put my face in my hands and burst into tears. John took me in his arms, and I cried and cried.

Beneath that seemingly bottomless well of anger within me is hurt. And fear of my own powerlessness, because there's nothing I can do or could ever do about people like this. So, instead of playing the sad victim, I got angry. And I raged, got my bitch on, and went on the defensive.

I don't want to do that anymore. Why did I title this blog "the well of acid"? Because I remembered that long ago, someone told me that harboring anger is like carrying around a vat of acid. "The acid only corrodes the vessel in which it is carried," they said.

Yeah, it's psycho-babble. But it has its truth. I'm not hurting the perpetrators, hauling around this rage. I'm only hurting myself.

I need to move on from this latest bit of insanity. This person has blocked me on FetLife, and lord only knows what kind of smack she's talking about me. However, my situation is different now. I have many more years in the scene, and many more friends. It's doubtful that anyone who matters to me will listen to her.

I will probably always have this particular trigger. I'm not saying I don't have a right to my anger. But I need to learn to deal with it and channel it better. I want my side of the street to be completely clean.

Time to take some deep breaths, and think about dumping some of the toxic, corrosive acid. In a place where it's safe, of course.

25 comments:

  1. I've got a few leaking drums as well. If you find a toxic waste sight, let me know

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  2. It's so coincidental about how one harbors rage. I played a game on Facebook recently where people are assigned a number to which participants reveal that amount of revelations others may or may not know about the writer. I mentioned when I was about 19 a store manager where I worked who apparently didn't find me physically attractive made comments to a so-called best friend of mine who was BARELY legal-and ALSO worked there...AND that he was fucking... that I was a lesbian. I hit the roof because I AM NOT. And this prick had no business speaking out about his thoughts when he was in a supposed authority position. I'm awful with anger issues because after I wrote that and received comments the urge to smash his face returned like it just happened.

    I am sooo very careful about who I bring to my close circle of friends. To get burned they way you have over the years is horrific!

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  3. Oh Erica, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. The way that you're being taunted is just uncalled for and meaninglessly cruel. I'm also really saddened that this is a trope in your life. It's my sincere hope that this is the last time you ever have to deal with this, and that it ends very soon.
    The feeling of being blocked and not knowing what's being said about you is something that I can relate to an awful lot right now. It's enraging and impossibly frustrating, as well as making one feel horribly insecure because you just don't. know.
    You don't deserve this, though, and I hope to hell that no one believes a bad word about you. They have no reason to. You've done nothing wrong.
    So much love for you!

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  4. Erica! Good to share this. I hope it helps you.

    I guess the core is in: ": And I have found myself unable to let go of the rage and resentment." and the underlying point in "Beneath that seemingly bottomless well of anger within me is hurt. And fear of my own powerlessness, because there's nothing I can do or could ever do about people like this."
    If I may:
    The hurt involves having gone- too young, and too often - through the experience of losing sombody, something precious to somebody behaving in evil ways,
    You know you are not going to lose Steve, as you have not lost John. Both decided niot to trade the good for the ugly.
    It is bad for them that they had/have to confront that other one. But why would you confront her? Knowing youm, and observing her behaviour, others will know what to think.
    BIG hug!

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  5. Erica, when I read your latest blog, my aged eyes, shed tears, because at last I see where you have been coming from all your life. It's a wonder you still have your sanity. Yes, because of no fault of your own, with goodness in your heart, certain females have always taken advantage of you. And you try to let it all hang out in your blog. One solution is finding Mr. Right Guy, and marrying him. Such as Bonnie, Hermione, etc,. But you seem reluctant to do that. Let me go now so that I can wipe away my remaining tears. XXX Luv ya.

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  6. Erica, I can also relate to a lot of what you wrote. I also have a woman I barely know blaming me for a break up. I have tried every way I know to convince her and help her see reason, but to no avail. She's going to believe what she wants to believe. I do feel for you and for your situation. It's always the nicest people who get done the dirtiest. You continue to be my inspiration in this scene, which can be so hard and so rewarding at the same time. Big hugs to you, Erica.

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  7. Oh man can I relate to this Sis! You are not alone. I'm very saddened that you are hurting & wish I could do "something." Alas, all I have to offer is my own experience, strength, & hope. The good news is that you identified a very real trigger. That is half the battle.You are owning the situation by being honest about your feelings, not trying to hide it away. When you are ready you'll be able to accept it & let it go. You are not quite there yet and that is normal & healthy, IMHO. This blog, this writing....it helps EMPTY the well & keeps the acid from burning you!
    Love You Bunches,
    MMB

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  8. I'm so sorry you're bring subject to this. It's never fun to be blamed for something you didn't do, or have no power over.

    If I can come at this from a different angle.....?

    You mention triggers, and understanding that many have triggers. What I have found, in cases such as this, is that through whatever events that may have happened in the past, people such as this can have their own triggers. The one that struck me is someone whose had partners be unfaithful in the past. Sharing the affection and attention of their partner becomes terrifying, as the insecurity can eat at that person and make them fearful of losing that partner. Of bring compared to whoever they're sharing the attention of their partner with, not measuring up, and the partner realizing that they could do better.

    It comes from an unhealthy place for sure, so please do not take me as condoning such. I am trying to come from a place of understanding what makes someone act this way. I've known that insecurity as well, as my ex was a chronic cheater. Attention given to other women was extremely threatening,for his sections always reminded me that he was clearly seeking something that I didn't have. In my case, I did not blame the ones to whom he gave attention. I blamed myself for not being what he wanted.

    In my relationship now, I am incredibly secure in his devotion to me. Him talking to others does not bother me. The only time it has is when I feel the other woman wanted more emotionally than I was willing to share. There are certain intimacies, and I'm not talking just sexual, that I feel are ours and not to be shared. As his wife, I feel that is my right. I must be comfortable too.

    Maybe none of that is relevant in this situation. I totally understand your hurt, and it's not fair for you to be blamed. It's not right for someone to be plain cruel and hateful. When it comes to relationships, I find that a guy will generally place his loyalties with the one who may become his partner rather than someone who is his friend, but he will likely never have a partner relationship with. I've seen it time and again, have even had it happen to me a few times over the years. It can be very painful, and unfair especially if vindictiveness is a part of it. Then betrayal of friendship kicks in as well. It hurts. All of those emotions, they're painful. It sucks.

    Fetlife seems to be one big elementary school yard, and I found it such a time waster. I'm so glad I left. Maybe you need a break from there, if there's high tension and pain while there?

    Big hugs to you, Erica. I hope my post made sense and doesn't seem like I am justifying what has happened. You know me, looking from the different angles to try and figure out why these kinds of things happen.

    Sarah

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  9. Venting is good, but please try to get past this. The more you think about it, the more the bastards win. Try to put these thoughts completely out of your head. Hard to do, but worth it. You have too many good things going for you.

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  10. It took plenty of courage to admit the existence of deep layers of hurt beneath all of that anger. Know that you're worth so much more than what the bitches or weaklings think of you. The vat full of acid, once disposed of (in an environmentally-friendly manner), is often immediately replaced with self-love and -confidence.

    Here's to you, Erica. Keep the sass coming.
    Tye

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  11. Erica,

    I so feel for you! xo It's terrible the things people do when they feel threatened...they react to their own fears instead of trusting those they supposedly love. And while anger might corrode the vessel, etc., think of venting and letting it out as a good exfoliation :) Good as new!

    xo,
    SC

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  12. You need to know who you are, which I think you do, charming loving friendly kind......it sucks people treat you like this, so sorry but as they say consider the sources and well, you know there are so many who love you for you and that is what counts. Hang in and filter the toxic waste out of your system.....easy to say, hard to do.
    Always with respect
    Ron

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  13. sirjaerls -- :-) Will do.

    Kelly -- ugh. Those memories never die, do they? I'm sorry that happened.

    Alex -- I think it's going to be OK. Loving friends like you really do help me navigate this stuff. ♥

    MrJ -- sadly, my father had a weakness. I forgave him for all that happened. But I never forgave his ex. You're right -- it was an early hurt and a bad one. Still, I can't let it cause my extreme reactions and anger to this day. It's not good for me.

    Six -- don't cry. :-) I'm not a victim. And no, I don't want to be married. It's not for me. And who says I still have my sanity? ;-)

    Cheryl -- blech. I'm sorry that's happening to you! May it blow over quickly.

    MaMa -- you ARE doing something, just by commenting to me. ♥

    Sarah -- yes, you absolutely made sense. And looking at the other sides and angles is the healthiest and most rational thing to do. I need to keep that in mind.

    Underneath my anger is sadness as well, because I don't want to be considered a predator or a bitch. It still boggles my mind that anyone could object to my being a part of their man's life as a bottom -- I'm a woman pushing 60, for Chrissake, and I have a boyfriend! :-) Femme fatale, I ain't!

    Anonymous -- you're absolutely right, and I'm working on it.

    Tye -- thanks. I really don't like myself when I'm angry -- I feel so mean and unpleasant. I think my vat is considerably depleted today, thank goodness.

    SC -- exfoliation! LOL! You are something else, my friend. Thank you for the laugh. ♥

    Ron -- sometimes I wonder why exactly do people love me, but I'm sure as hell glad that they do. :-)

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    Replies
    1. Don't ever wonder.....it is because you are so well you!
      Always
      Ron

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  14. Erica, being we are the same age stop saying you are pushing 60!! I like to think of it as being 50+. Yikes!

    I hope Steve continues to explain to this and any future girlfriends that he has no interest in you as a girlfriend but just as a friend. For goodness sake, if you two wanted to be in a relationship you would have by now.

    Don't keep dwelling on the past issues as you well know it will eat you up. And just think the holidays are right around the corner. Hahaha :-)

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  15. Kaki -- (groan) Don't remind me of the holidays, pleeeeeeease!

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  16. Hi Erica -- What you wrote really hit home :-( I been going through similar stuff myself and it hurts like hell, I am so sorry you had to go through this.You don't deserve this you are a GREAT person,Like the saying goes if you didn't see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears Don't invent it with your big mouth :-( It's sad how some people thrive on making others lives miserable.I Love you Erica <3 YOU are the BEST. You will ALWAYS shine in my eyes.Big hugs from naughty girl Jade

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  17. Jade -- it's OK. I'm much better now. :-)

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  18. Hiya, Erica-I empathize deeply with you in those instances where 'alienation of affection' was the outcome. Many years ago I had to deal with a similar situation: a couple of guys (who I had heretofore considered friends) at work put out horrible paper on me for no readily discernible reason.* My roommate (who was the subject of a lot of the faked nonsense) wouldn't talk to me about what was going on and then ducked out on me, sticking me with the entire lease to pay.

    The job was pretty goddamn important for me, too. In about 20 weeks of a summer job I earned enough to support myself through an entire year at Kent State University.

    I guess I should leave you with this: Resentment is a thief for whom we hold open the door. The sooner that you can turn your back on the absolutely horrible behavior of the individuals in question the sooner you will feel a renewed sense of peace and tranquility in your life.

    Sorry I got a little preachy there. I hope that in some small way that these words
    were useful to you.

    Be well, Mike.

    *-years later, after successfully altering the frame-of-reference of one of these two via the Soave Bolla gambit, he told me the truth: they were bored.

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  19. Mike -- sorry that happened to you. :-( And you're right -- resentment is toxic.

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  20. I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling so bad lately and having to deal with all of this. I can relate to some of this myself. Being in poly relationships and even just with play partners, I've encountered resentment/anger/insecurity from the person's main partner. There have been "bans" from play, from sex, from time spent together because their partner was freaking out, feeling like I was the priority. Uh... what? I'm the priority? I see him maybe 4 hours in an evening one night of the week. You live together, share your lives together. There are clearly many issues and insecurities in play that should have led to her talking to him about a lot of things but leaving me out of it. I guess it's just easier to lash out at the third party than to take a hard look at your own relationship and things that may need to be worked on.

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  21. Lea -- that sucks. It shouldn't be that way. If people enter willingly into poly relationships, they should be prepared to deal with them and their particular dynamic. It's not for everyone.

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  22. I am, as usual a little late in reading this. Erica I read your blog, follow your movies, and bought your book because I think you are a smart, interesting, loving, somewhat kinky, and entirely lovely person. I do not think anyone here will disagree with that.
    You state your opinion and do so publicly and I admire your strength for doing that. But there are vermin in society that prey on the weak and relish any pain they can inflict on another person. They deflect their own insecurities and fears on other people to make them self feel better.
    You need to develop a mental mousetrap. Imagine your problem simple as vermin, and when it gets too much too bear just let the trap snap shut in your mind. I simply throw the vermin away and get on with it. Not the person mind you; just the pain they cause.

    Poppa.

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  23. Poppa -- thank you. Interesting imagery, certainly, but it makes sense. :-)

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