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Monday, May 14, 2012

Personal

That's what tonight's spanking was: personal. I will write about it, but I will not give the reason. This time, it's between ST and me. But it was real. Something from my past that wasn't one of my finer moments.

It was good timing. I was feeling raw and sad, craving emotional release. ST's combination of compassion and firmness was just what I needed.

Before we even started, he told me to strip. It wasn't about seeing me naked; he's seen that before. It was about rendering me completely vulnerable. Perhaps another night, I would have playfully protested. Tonight, I was surprised, but I did what he told me.

He set up the camera to take one action shot:




But after that, he focused on the task in front of him and the camera remained off, until we were done.

I kept still and compliant, and said little, except to answer him when he asked a question. After a while, all I could do was nod. It took a while, but I could feel myself trembling on the brink of tears. All I needed was one more push, but I couldn't quite go over. So, while my body struggled to absorb the pain, my mind conjured the image of my mother's face this weekend. That did it. That's enough to break anyone's heart. I wept through the strapping and the final paddling. Sometimes, life is so damned unfair and makes me feel so utterly wretched. And when I'm feeling embarrassment and shame on top of that, all I want is to be spanked into oblivion.

Afterward, he comforted me. Stroked my hair while I cried into the bedspread. Told me I was beautiful. I came back down to earth with a lighter heart. Still the same damned problems and insecurities, but for a little while, they went away.

It is to ST's credit that I feel comfortable enough to stay undressed long after the scene. Usually, I'd rather cover up/put my clothes back on as soon as it's over. Exhibitionistic as I am in pictures, up close and personal is another story, and I am self-conscious fully naked with most people, although there are exceptions. John is one. ST is another.



We talked for a long time. Played a little more, after the mood lightened. Oh, and even though they hadn't stayed on very long, I wore the itty-bitty short shorts that Kat bought for me in Atlantic City.




Yes, that reads "KISS MY." These are a bit too small to wear publicly -- they barely cover my butt cheeks. But to wear for a spanker? Perfect.

ST may get himself a girlfriend one of these days. I hope he does; he deserves to have one. But oh my god, I hope when he finds her, she will tolerate my existence. My special compartment in his life. Because I would take nothing away from her.

I won't think about that now. For this moment, he is my dear and trusted top, and my friend. For tonight, my mind is quiet and I will sleep.

22 comments:

  1. Dear Erica,
    Thank you for sharing such a profound experience. Much of my own tension was released as I read your post. You're such a strong role model and witnessing your vulnerability is inspiring. I love that you have such a wonderful connection with ST and I hope it lasts a lifetime.

    SC

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  2. I knew ST would take you where you needed to go and give you what you needed. That is so special. I am so happy you have him and I think you have a friend for live, too.

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  3. SC -- thank you so much. I hope it does too.

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  4. Bobbie Jo -- it is special indeed. As is he.

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  5. Hi Erica -- I am happy you got what you needed :-)I also hope that you have ST as your top and good friend forever :-)Thank's for sharing.I agree that some thing's in life are so damn unfair :-( I got some news today that wasn't exactly good, i will tell you about it later when i email you.Much Love and hug's from your naughty girl Jade xoxo

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  6. Glad you found your release and hope you also found forgivness for your self. We tend to be harder on ourself than any one else could be.
    A good bottom, "No pun intended," can bring just as much relief to a Top as it does to you! I am sure you are great "therapy" for him. ;)
    LOVE those short shorts, wear them at Shadowlane and you'll have a herd of men following you everywhere! :)

    That picture of you on the bed is my new favorite. It captures your vulnerblity perfectly while being sensual at the same time.

    Poppa

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  7. I'm happy you got the emotional release you needed. He's so perceptive of your needs. I'm glad you have each other and may the partnership last for years and years.

    LOVE the shorts-LOVE Kat, she's precious! :)

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  8. Jade -- oh dear, I'm sorry. Yes, tell me when you write.

    Poppa -- he says I am good for him too, that he wouldn't be hear every Monday if I weren't. I don't see how I can possibly give him what he gives me, but I'll take your word for it. :-)

    Kelly -- isn't she a trip?

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  9. Erica, I know you won't 'hear' this, but you are so beautiful. Your skin is luminescent and you have the prettiest eyes and smile.

    I wish I looked a quarter as good as you do and I'm a couple years younger.

    Cindy

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  10. Ahhh...I think I needed that as much as you did. :) I'm always amazed that the right person can find that elusive rightness within ourselves.

    I suspect that there will always be a compartment for you with ST, Erica.

    XX

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  11. Oh, Cindy. That's so, so very nice. Thank you. ♥

    Pink -- that elusive rightness. As usual, your chosen words are spot on!

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  12. Some famous girlMay 15, 2012 at 5:53 PM

    Best shorts ever. That chick who got them for you must be one super awesome chica.

    Glad you got what you needed. :) I'm happy that you have that special relationship.

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  13. Mysterious famous person -- she is indeed! :-)

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  14. "he wouldn't be hear..." really? and you thought "discrete" was bad... Naughty, Naughty Ms. Erica. But I'm glad you got what you needed, and happy that your [sic] in a better place. ;) And frankly, I think maybe this is the most you've opened up about ST's needs, and I think that's sweet of you.

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  15. Hi Erica

    I don't want to give offense but you are extraordinary in the second photo, looking very good!

    :)

    Emanuele

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  16. SS -- AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! I know the difference between hear and here! That was a most egregious error, a momentary brain blip. And yes, I do care about ST's needs. I know I can't meet a great deal of them, and he deserves to have the whole package.

    CS -- why would that offend me? :-)

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    1. You know that I read your blog a lot, and certainly not just for an opportunity for a little payback... sadly, it's been months and months and still have not caught one typo until this!

      Glad you seem to be in a better place. If I were there I'd give you a hug and a pinch on your ass! ;)

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  17. A wonderful post. Thank you.

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  18. Sounds like you had a good time with ST again, Erica! It's good to hear that you had a chance to forget about all the stress and the sadness for a while and to let go. The pictures are beautiful as always. :-)

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  19. Anonymous -- thank YOU.

    Kaelah -- you're so sweet. I did forget for a while, much like I suppose one would after a few drinks. But no hangover. :-)

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  20. Getting that emotional release on occasion is so vital, isn't it? I'm glad you and ST are both in sync enough to get what you both need.

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  21. Lea -- I honestly can't imagine what I'd do without those releases. What do others do? Exercise more? Or do they just drink and hope the emotions drown?

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