Personal

That's what tonight's spanking was: personal. I will write about it, but I will not give the reason. This time, it's between ST and me. But it was real. Something from my past that wasn't one of my finer moments.

It was good timing. I was feeling raw and sad, craving emotional release. ST's combination of compassion and firmness was just what I needed.

Before we even started, he told me to strip. It wasn't about seeing me naked; he's seen that before. It was about rendering me completely vulnerable. Perhaps another night, I would have playfully protested. Tonight, I was surprised, but I did what he told me.

He set up the camera to take one action shot:

But after that, he focused on the task in front of him and the camera remained off, until we were done.

I kept still and compliant, and said little, except to answer him when he asked a question. After a while, all I could do was nod. It took a while, but I could feel myself trembling on the brink of tears. All I needed was one more push, but I couldn't quite go over. So, while my body struggled to absorb the pain, my mind conjured the image of my mother's face this weekend. That did it. That's enough to break anyone's heart. I wept through the strapping and the final paddling. Sometimes, life is so damned unfair and makes me feel so utterly wretched. And when I'm feeling embarrassment and shame on top of that, all I want is to be spanked into oblivion.

Afterward, he comforted me. Stroked my hair while I cried into the bedspread. Told me I was beautiful. I came back down to earth with a lighter heart. Still the same damned problems and insecurities, but for a little while, they went away.

It is to ST's credit that I feel comfortable enough to stay undressed long after the scene. Usually, I'd rather cover up/put my clothes back on as soon as it's over. Exhibitionistic as I am in pictures, up close and personal is another story, and I am self-conscious fully naked with most people, although there are exceptions. John is one. ST is another.



We talked for a long time. Played a little more, after the mood lightened. Oh, and even though they hadn't stayed on very long, I wore the itty-bitty short shorts that Kat bought for me in Atlantic City.

Yes, that reads "KISS MY." These are a bit too small to wear publicly -- they barely cover my butt cheeks. But to wear for a spanker? Perfect.

ST may get himself a girlfriend one of these days. I hope he does; he deserves to have one. But oh my god, I hope when he finds her, she will tolerate my existence. My special compartment in his life. Because I would take nothing away from her.

I won't think about that now. For this moment, he is my dear and trusted top, and my friend. For tonight, my mind is quiet and I will sleep.